How I left my past behind .. and what it took me

Dear fellow soul,

I’m happy you found this space. My mission is to elevate people, give them a new experience of a higher meaning, go beyond the limitations of the mind and into the heart and soul.

How did I arrive to this mission in my life? And what’s that to do with Peru?

Well, after I hit a brick wall of burn-out, I understood that I needed to explore deeper what was happening to me. And it took some time to understand that, and to take an active role to change that and change the idea ‘things were happening to me’. I had been practicing kundalini yoga and meditation for some time already. I’ve been always interested in the deeper meaning of a human life, in the workings of the sub-conscious, in healing the traumas many of us have experienced as children. This time, I felt my soul was calling me – am I happy? Whom I want to be? Who I am? Whom I want to become?

And knowing nothing about plant medicine, I felt a calling to follow the guidance of my shamanic teacher Ines, and follow her to the Amazonian jungle, Peru, for the sacred plant medicine retreat in 2023. I felt so cared for in the safe, supporting, and gentle hands of her and the Peruvian shaman Herbert, who welcomed us in his centre. The support staff, local families, were ever so caring and gentle, too. They had curiosity in their eyes, happiness, sometimes they were looking at me with so much compassion I’ve never experienced in my birth family. Bungalows were beautiful, river was refreshing, and jungle nights so loud. Frogs, crickets, birds – the Amazonian jungle is not for the faint of heart. And neither is the madre curandera, abuelita ayahuasca. At the beginning, it let me feel all the love I never knew existed, it took care of me and showed me how to take care of myself, my neglected, forgotten, invisible little me. Then, it shook me awake from the programming I was still carrying within myself. And then – it showed me my pain. My pain of years and years, and years, I’ve been blocking so far, so deep into my subconscious, just to be able to survive. It took me a couple of years to unravel all that pain… Emotional pain, heart pain, physical pain… All came up, because she – ayahuasca, knew that I can deal with that, she knew it was time for me. And I prayed. I prayed to leave my past behind. I prayed to be free, and not burdened by my past. Ayahuasca, the jungle, my teachers, local people, stones, the river, the banana trees, little monkeys in the night high in the trees, colibris, bright flowers, palo santo – they didn’t judge… They didn’t judge me for what I thought, how I looked, what I felt. I felt safe like never before, and so I knew I could do this. Break free of the insecurities, traumas, inner judgers and critics, and perfectionists inside of me.

And then I came back to Belgium, and I left my career of 20 years. I started two coaching trainings simultaneously at coaching schools with respected reputation in their field. Initially I felt free, and I wanted to follow my path as a yoga teacher and shamanic healer, and I wanted to learn more practical tools how to support people in their transformation and transition times.

But then – my mother was diagnosed with advanced stage cancer, and she died within 3 months time. I was surprised how painful her death was to me, and how much grief and sorrow I had inside of me. Because I not only grieved for my mother’s death, I also went through grief that I actually never had a mother who was emotionally available, warm and caring. I grew up as an orphan to living parents, in the same household with them. It was strange and very lonely, I felt invisible and unworthy.

And so I went to Peru again. This time the shaman Celia took care of us, coming from Shipibo tribe. Madre ayahuasca was leading me towards my own power, my own responsibility toward myself and my mission in this life. Caring grandfather San Pedro was so gently supporting me, giving me all the encouragement I have never received in my life. Ayahuasca, San Pedro, Pachamama, Celia, Ines – they all believed in me! So how could I have been so neglectful to myself! Beings and spirits from underworld, this world, and upper world – they all showed me my way, they all believed in me! San Pedro showed me – go and learn how to do a cacao ceremony. I was surprised.

And so I did. I went to the higher selva in Peru to a family who grows organic cacao trees and who are curanderos and ayahuasceros also. The warm smiles and open, warm hearts of the family members melted my heart again – I had not seen such simple gestures of care and love in my life, certainly not when I was a kid! That was already part of my healing. We did a beautiful hike in the selva, to visit a waterfall which was hiding it’s beauty far away from roads, villages, and tourists. To get there, we had to cross the river by swimming across, and then walk a steep, wet cliff – needless to say, I was scared. And I felt safe at the same time. Safe in the hands of Pachamama, the river, the selva, the sky, and the shaman guiding us. I learnt to do a cacao ceremony from the family. And when I came back to Belgium, I regularly did a cacao ceremony for myself…

This time, the healing, and grieving took deeper loops, I had a really tough time after I returned, and cacao helped me, it was a great support to me. I resisted the deeper change what was going on with me, as there are no guidebooks, maps, nor examples on how to undergo such deep transformation in the Western culture without Elders or knowing and supporting community. When I finally grasped that what was happening – soul initiation (Bill Plotkin), dark night of the soul (St John of the Cross), heroine’s journey (Maureen Murdock) – my pain, difficulties, feelings that I was being turned upside down as if in a washing machine, gradually improved.

And then I went to Peru again. Yeah, I’ve left a part of my soul there, that’s for sure! And this time I took my family with me, too! I went to a beautiful little village in the Andes in the area of Cusco and Sacred Valley of Peru. We were welcomed by Q’eros tribe shamans, hosted by Peruvian-German family, and it was another beautiful beyond words experience. Q’eros tribe honours deeply Pachamama, nature, their mountains, animals and spirits. We were visiting Inca and pre-Inca sacred sites high in the mountains, far away from the eyes of the regular tourist. We witnessed the beauty of their pure hearts, their simple and proud power, the magic of their rituals. Again, I felt loved, not-judged and safe all the time. And humble. And grateful. The healings I received were so powerful, beautiful, I felt healed to the bones, literally. All the physical pain, also back pain I have experienced over the year before was completely gone after the healings. I was shown the beauty of my soul, and of my service to Pachamama and people. After leaving a little donation, some small amber stones and coca leaves, in the temple of Condor in Ollantaytambo, halfway from Cusco to Machu Picchu, a beautiful double rainbow appeared 5 minutes later between the two nearest mountains. Everything is alive, when your heart is alive. When we allow our heart to be alive.

I’m seen. I’m loved beyond measure. I’m protected. I’m safe. I’m the light. I’m the courage. I’m love. I learnt it over the last years, and the journey has been absolutely worth it. I’m on my path. I believe in myself. I don’t need the inner critic to silence me every time I have a new idea. I’m don’t cringe from fear to be seen. I am me.

You’re welcome to join the journey!

The journey to discover who you truly are, whom you want to be. You’re welcome to join a scared cacao ceremony, explore your needs and what you want differently in a life coaching session, or get more clarity about your burning questions in a tarot card reading. (Simply contact me via the contact form or zandersone.laura@gmail.com)

I wish you peace and calm hearts, my fellow souls!

Best wishes

Laura Seetal Seva

Author: Laura